: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
