why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
