And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize