Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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