pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
