Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
