Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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