Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
