I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
