I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
