Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
40s are totally the cure
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
