You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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