I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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