you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just invented taco cereal.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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