Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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