So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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