with your own penis?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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