mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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