i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize