Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
