yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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