I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
