I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
