Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
