I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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