I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
