my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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