Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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