Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Farmville is her only friend.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
