me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
