im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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