sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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