Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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