She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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