I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
