I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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