she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize