i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
