I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
