The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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