I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
