I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
