Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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