well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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