Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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