Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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