Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
