MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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