If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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