The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
that is very illegal...i love you.
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