I want to make a zoo with you.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
