why didn't you poke me back
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
