awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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