I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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