i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wear drunk well.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
