There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize