my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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