I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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