Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
