I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
