**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
